Pr: Still a Caterpillar...Someday a Butterfly

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Sad, writing again

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Just took measurements after reading measurements from January. Bust = 39, Waist = 30, Hips = 38. I generally wear a size 6 now, whereas a year ago I was a solid size 10. And I weigh about 130. I thought I would have lost more inches, because in Janary bust was 41, waist was 33 and hips were 39. I'm happy about the waist though. I'd like to lose a little more from there because I still obvious fat there.

I skipped work today. I couldn't wake up, slept until a little after noon. Then I've sat on the couch since then. I've researched templates. I can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or do much of anything. I think I have some definite depression symptoms. Last night I ordered $200 of vitamins from LifeSource. I don't eat healthy - for dinner I often have chocolate, cookies, and cheerios. On Monday I went to the grocery store and got lots of yogurt, some apples and nectarines, and bread and ham so I can make myself sandwiches for lunch. I haven't yet - Tuesday I woke up too late and today skipped work. I've only had coffee and about 8 chocolate chip cookies today. I've been having my breathing problems a lot over the past couple months at least. And I always have some drainage down the back of my throat and have to make the disgusting sound to get it out. But it does no good to blow my nose because hardly anything is actually ever in my nose.

The world seems a little blue to me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone, that maybe I'll be alone my whole life and that'll be okay. I could have one baby on my own. I'm thinking much more about grad school for my MSW. I don't know what the future has in store and I don't know what I want it to be, and it's making me really uneasy and unsettled.

I keep somehow making no effort to stay in touch with anyone. The only people who I want to talk to anytime are Judge Meacham and Stephan. And usually Lindsey. I need to call Benji cause it's been almost two weeks - holy shit, that long - since I've talked to him. And I need to call my grandma, and send my grandpa his card. I need to email a ton of people. But somehow I can never bring myself to do any of that. I also can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all - I have no volition at all. I come home from work and sit on my couch and watch TV and read blogs and write my blog and that's about it. I haven't even gotten on IM because I don't want to talk to anyone. Except Stephan.

I never clean, I still haven't hung up all my pictures because it seems like too much effort. I haven't finished painting or even opened the box with my bedframe that came two weeks ago. I also don't want to talk to my mom anymore. After our fight at the cottage and her email, and me seeing that she's just not supportive and so judgmental and not open-minded - I just don't have any desire to talk to her and she just annoys me. When she calls me in the morning, I'm usually out of it and wanting to go back to sleep for a few minutes, so I do a good job of pretending I'm all awake and sounding very bubbly and then tell her I need to go get ready because otherwise she goes on and on about stupid things.

Everything seems blue and sad and I feel alone but don't seem to mind. James and Emma keep me happy here in my home so I don't feel lonely. But I don't like being down and not having the excitement and happiness in me. I don't like not having any real plan for the future. I don't like that I don't like law and I can't think of any legal job that I would actually be happy in. I don't know if I could really do counseling because it's different talking to lots of different people rather than helping one friend. And would it depress me, hearing all these people sad? And would I make enough money to support myself? And a child? And if I never get married, will I be able to be comfortable on a social worker's salary? Benji's therapist is a social worker and does individual counseling, but I know too that this would be a learning thing and I'm worried that I'll be good at dealing with people like me, and people with relationship issues and depression and alcoholism, but all the other things that I don't have personal experience with - will I be able to relate and help those people?

I'm going to turn more lights on and look at templates for a little bit and then feed the babies and do the dishes.

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 4:12 PM ::

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