Pr: Still a Caterpillar...Someday a Butterfly

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Cottage Pictures and struggles with programming code

Yesterday I spent the entire day trying to learning codes - css and html - and both looking for templates that I like and can work off, and trying to alter certain templates. I actually am loving it and it's so fun and interesting, but can also be really frustrating sometimes. For example, on my current template here, for some reason it never wants to let me put padding between my photos and the borders. And also, as I put borders on the pictures in this post, some of them are coming out the intended dark grey/black, but some of the borders insist on being blue for absolutely no reason at all. What the fuck? And also, (although I'm thinking this is Blogger's fault), because I centered the captions under my pictures, whatever I try to write after all the pictures is also centered and when I try to left justify it, all the captions follow suit. Again, what the MFing fuck??? [Edit: apparently the pictures that have blue borders here in my edit mode don't have any borders on them when they are actually posted. I have no idea why???]

Anyway though, here are some pictures that I never posted but had always intended on posting, from when I was at my parents' cottage a few weekends ago. I'll write another post later this evening and not include any pictures with captions so I hopefully won't have to deal with any layout issues!!

I love this picture of a dragonfly! I saw it sitting almost right in front of me when I was taking pictures of the lake, and it posed quite nicely for me and didn't move. This picture is cropped a bit as I didn't actually get quite this close!

This fuzzy little moth was sitting just a little outside our front door, sleeping on the side of the cottage. He was so incredibly cute! He reminds me of a little Ewok (however you spell it)!

Here's a closeup - he's so furry! And his little furry arms and furry antenna are so cute! And I especially thought it was funny that he has a tiny bit of poopy butt, from the looks of it!! :)

Some beautiful Black-Eyed-Susans that my mom planted.

Another photo of one of my mom's pretty flowers.

My little artistic black and white :)

I saw this abandoned mailbox when my parents and I were out for a walk.

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 12:48 PM ::

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James pictures

Another test post.

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 3:02 AM ::

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Test Post

Working on template, testing it out. Haven't done dishes, but I'm making HUGE headway with the template, which is soooooo cool!!!!!

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 8:02 PM ::

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Sad, writing again

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Just took measurements after reading measurements from January. Bust = 39, Waist = 30, Hips = 38. I generally wear a size 6 now, whereas a year ago I was a solid size 10. And I weigh about 130. I thought I would have lost more inches, because in Janary bust was 41, waist was 33 and hips were 39. I'm happy about the waist though. I'd like to lose a little more from there because I still obvious fat there.

I skipped work today. I couldn't wake up, slept until a little after noon. Then I've sat on the couch since then. I've researched templates. I can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or do much of anything. I think I have some definite depression symptoms. Last night I ordered $200 of vitamins from LifeSource. I don't eat healthy - for dinner I often have chocolate, cookies, and cheerios. On Monday I went to the grocery store and got lots of yogurt, some apples and nectarines, and bread and ham so I can make myself sandwiches for lunch. I haven't yet - Tuesday I woke up too late and today skipped work. I've only had coffee and about 8 chocolate chip cookies today. I've been having my breathing problems a lot over the past couple months at least. And I always have some drainage down the back of my throat and have to make the disgusting sound to get it out. But it does no good to blow my nose because hardly anything is actually ever in my nose.

The world seems a little blue to me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone, that maybe I'll be alone my whole life and that'll be okay. I could have one baby on my own. I'm thinking much more about grad school for my MSW. I don't know what the future has in store and I don't know what I want it to be, and it's making me really uneasy and unsettled.

I keep somehow making no effort to stay in touch with anyone. The only people who I want to talk to anytime are Judge Meacham and Stephan. And usually Lindsey. I need to call Benji cause it's been almost two weeks - holy shit, that long - since I've talked to him. And I need to call my grandma, and send my grandpa his card. I need to email a ton of people. But somehow I can never bring myself to do any of that. I also can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all - I have no volition at all. I come home from work and sit on my couch and watch TV and read blogs and write my blog and that's about it. I haven't even gotten on IM because I don't want to talk to anyone. Except Stephan.

I never clean, I still haven't hung up all my pictures because it seems like too much effort. I haven't finished painting or even opened the box with my bedframe that came two weeks ago. I also don't want to talk to my mom anymore. After our fight at the cottage and her email, and me seeing that she's just not supportive and so judgmental and not open-minded - I just don't have any desire to talk to her and she just annoys me. When she calls me in the morning, I'm usually out of it and wanting to go back to sleep for a few minutes, so I do a good job of pretending I'm all awake and sounding very bubbly and then tell her I need to go get ready because otherwise she goes on and on about stupid things.

Everything seems blue and sad and I feel alone but don't seem to mind. James and Emma keep me happy here in my home so I don't feel lonely. But I don't like being down and not having the excitement and happiness in me. I don't like not having any real plan for the future. I don't like that I don't like law and I can't think of any legal job that I would actually be happy in. I don't know if I could really do counseling because it's different talking to lots of different people rather than helping one friend. And would it depress me, hearing all these people sad? And would I make enough money to support myself? And a child? And if I never get married, will I be able to be comfortable on a social worker's salary? Benji's therapist is a social worker and does individual counseling, but I know too that this would be a learning thing and I'm worried that I'll be good at dealing with people like me, and people with relationship issues and depression and alcoholism, but all the other things that I don't have personal experience with - will I be able to relate and help those people?

I'm going to turn more lights on and look at templates for a little bit and then feed the babies and do the dishes.

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 4:12 PM ::

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Starting out

Wednesday, January 25


3 cups coffee

2 packets instant Kashi Go Lean

3 peanut m&m's

Starbuck's grande cafe latte

Exercise: None

To bed last night around 1 a.m. - after doing one load of laundry. Fell asleep on couch for a bit around 9 p.m. Feeling a little tired but good. This afternoon I've been having feelings of not belonging, and am nervous about the party in a bit. And jealous cause A was getting all this teasing by JM, PQ and others, and PQ pointed out her cute polka-dot shoes. So I was feeling hot before, all in black and all, but not so much now. Cause also A looks really good today - the teal and pink colors look so good with her skin and she has blush and teal eyeshadow on and it sounds bad but looks cute. I'm going to go to the party late, at 6, because I'm just feeling uncomfortable and nervous about talking to people, and nervous that they won't talk to me much. This way I'll get to hang out a little and D and L will come, and at least I can be around people who like me and like to laugh. Tonight I need to clean my kitchen - it's gross. And take out the trash. And straighten my family room and ideally vacuum, but I've been so so so tired the last two nights. I did turn my heat down though, cause that might be partly why.

To do list: transfer stuff to new planner, clean kitchen and bathroom and family room, vacuum, set up Nobby, email Heather, work on pictures for Damon, finish AIW opinion, write first chapter, and get back into practicing guitar - because I want to be able to play, and also it's a fun connection that I have with JM. Tomorrow I need to bring a towel and different shirt for my workout with Greg.

Tuesday, January 24


3 cups coffee

1 packet instant oatmeal

1 cup chocolate frozen yogurt after workout

2 cups granola

Lots of pretzels


25 minutes walking on treadmill; zero incline, up to 4.2 mph

Met with Greg, got measurements all taken. Body Fat Percentage: 27.6%. Weight: 144.4 lbs. From what I can remember, measurements were: chest - 41, waist - 33, hips - 39, bicept - 11, girth (shoulders) - 24. I can't remember the others. I need to recheck myself tonight.

I ate terrible yesterday and last night after eating all the pretzels felt terrible. Had it really hot in my place cause I was cold so fell asleep on my couch a little after 9, woke up around 9:45 and did a load of laundry, wrote the blog and wrote some emails. To bed at 1 a.m.

Monday, January 23


Coffee in morning

1 packet instant kashi go lean after working out, plus a chocolate valentine's day heart

2 cups granola

1 package lipton noodles (had to get rid of them)

rest of chocolate chips (about 1/2 cup)

Exercise: Easy bike for 30 minutes, treadmill walking slow at incline for 20 minutes

Fell asleep at 9:45 Monday night, woke up on couch at 4:45 a.m. from James, moved to bed, finally got up at 7:30. Sooooo tired.

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Posted by Caterpillar :: 2:44 PM ::

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